Beginnen möchten wir mit einem anonym zugesandten Bericht, den ein englischer Sportkommentator angefertigt hat. Wir dokumentieren in Auszügen.
Good evening ladys and gentlemen, dear tea drinker, welcome to the live BBC football commentary. Let me introduce to you the german mannschaft: the well known sissi-team-führer Klinsman shows his start up formation. Players are called: Schweynsteyger, Mertesacker, Hitzlsberger, Metzelder, Bommelsack, Brettermeier and so on. Yes, you heard right: sounds like "Blitzkrieg" – and it smells like "Mettwurst". So say hello to our german neighbours.
Schweynsteyger means Swineclimber, nobody knows, what this means. And now… UHHHHHH, SWINECLIMBER GOES – AND SWINECLIMBER SHOOTS STRAIGHT! He did it! Amazing shot by the ugly small lederhousen boy!
Actually Swineclimber doesn't really looks like a swine, it’s more like a mixture from everything you get from a typical bavarian farm: eggs, pigs, shit. But: beware of the shitty piggyboy! You may ask: what is the difference between bavarian and barbarian? – Maybe the pimpels.
Oh, stop Mr. Referee! Game stop! There is still a ballboy on the field! Cute! Eat and get big and strong young man! Can somebody call for his mother? Oh, wait… They say it’s a german player! Uh! They call him “Slow”! Laughing for tears! Why him? Why not all?
And please, dear english friends, do not laugh about the names of the german players! Well, it may be true: everything sounds like pigs or aches, like Mertes Acher or Ball Ache. You may laugh, but damn: when you're a german ball acher it always hurts you in the balls! And when you watch them play, you should be called an eye acher.
Oh, wait! The real name is Merte's Sucker! We understand… Probably Merte is the bus driver.
The next one is namend Metz Elder. Uh, we take a bow! Calm down elder sportsman, no hurry noble Metz, we honour your lifework with the balls. Hopefully Metz Younger will bring you a chair.
And yet another goal! Boro.. boroko kowsky! Sounds like a sexy russian pussy for James Bond, but indeed it’s one of Cleansmans soft looking playboys. Looks like John Boy Walton. If they loose the game, they want to win the price for best entertainment in a gay bar.
And now, whats that?! Ballack goes straight for the bollocks! Embarrassing!
Where is Klose? Close to the bank? I thought the bank ist closed for Klose, as it was told by Hugo “Low” Löw, but nobody understand this.
What’s going on with “Podolski”? Looks like he drank to much from the polish stuff which he is named after. Pod ol' Ski… - strange name! He used to play winter sports? They said, he worked as a car thief, bevor he was brought to cologne bei schlepperbanden. Dumb but cute.
Other names doesn’t seem to be real names – they are just part of dialogues. “You want a blow job?” “No!” “It’s cheap!” “What?” “5 Bucks!” “Knee!” – That’s how Mr. No-What-Knee came to his name.
Who is that? “Newville”... Maybe that means he is the new willy. Who the heck is this guy anyway? Does anybody know this man? Some people say, he is not a german anyway. Some people say, he is not even a football player. Just a small guy, jogging and wasting his time there on the green... Very strange. Maybe a secret agent! Ah, he is called NEW WILL! That’s the language we know from our friends from Germania! The NEW WILL! The NEW STRENGHT! NEW WILL - NEW POWER! THE PEOPLE OF GERMANY NEED A NEW WILL TO SURVIVE! Funny, they choosed this walking half meter high hobbit to present their new will to the world. The will to willy.
After all: Great dream, gay team. Good night.
Teamspirit and Tenderness: The German National Team with Swineclimber, No Wot Knee, New Will, Metz Elder, Merte's Sucker, Bollock, Bus Driver Rützelwurst, Miro "Slave" Close, and some fitness coaches, wich they met at the north entrace from the train station.
